Posted tagged ‘Temptation’

The Devil’s Bible, Part III.

December 17, 2010

 

The Devil too can quote Scripture…

– American Proverb

The god of the sun meets the Only Son of God

THE GOSPEL OF MATTHEW
TEMPTATION I. Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil (Apollo). After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
TEMPTATION II. Then the Devil (Apollo) took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’”
TEMPTATION III. Again, the Devil (Apollo) took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.” Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” Then the Devil (Apollo) left him, and angels came and attended him. (Matthew 4:1-11)

INTERPRETATION OF BIBLICAL TERMINOLOGY
Jesus Christ = Rabbi Joshua ben Joseph the Messiah
The Devil = Apollo, the Greco-Roman sun god
The Holy City = Rome
Highest Point of the Temple = Gold-Plated Roof of Vatican City
Very High Mountain = Mount Olympus
All the Kingdoms of the World = The United Nations

I. The First Temptation
PROPOSAL: Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Devil (Apollo). After fasting forty days and forty nights, He was hungry. The tempter came to Him and said, ‘If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” (Matthew 4:2-3)
INTERPRETATION: Lick my balls until they loosen up, then give me fellatio. Let’s see if you can even make me orgasm and ejaculate…
REFUSAL: Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” (Matthew 4:4)
INTERPRETATION: I’d rather starve to death than be a stupid cock-sucking faggot like you. I can already hear God’s voice warning me to kill you on sight.

II. The Second Temptation
PROPOSAL: Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” (Matthew 4:5-6)
INTERPRETATION: Lay down. Let me give you fellatio and see if you can even get it up. I won’t bite it off, I promise. Do you want to have anal sex with me with your big foot-long dong? I’ve got some lubricant right here.
REFUSAL: Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” (Matthew 4:7)
INTERPRETATION: Even though you’re a wimp and a pussy who will probably end up as someone’s girl someday, I’d never touch you with a ten foot pole.

III. The Third Temptation
PROPOSAL: Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ‘All this I will give you,’ he said, ‘if you will bow down and worship me.’ (Matthew 4:8-9)
INTERPRETATION: Get down on your knees and let me have anal sex with you from behind, or suck my cock and then swallow my cum.
REFUSAL: Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’” Then the Devil left him, and Angels came and attended him. (Matthew 4:10-11)
INTERPRETATION: You will trust in the perpetually flaccid, heterosexual penis of the LORD God alone. For He will never rape or seduce anyone at all. Only your degenerate father Zeus/Jupiter would ever do such of thing.

Cursed be the Devil, cursed be me.